The Explosive Child

At 8:30 a.m. this morning with note-taking material and tissues in hand, my husband and I were fortunate to be two of 220 people attending an all-day seminar, listening to Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., discuss the use of Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) to help deal with easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children (these are some of the other issues that we face in our house on a daily basis). Being the Author of "The Explosive Child," he was able to take us through the step-by-step process of dealing with children who have developmental delays in these areas and are not capable of being disciplined using "traditional methods". Such methods were likely the way you or I were disciplined as children.

To give a little bio on Dr. Greene, he is an Associate Professor of Psychology in the Dept. of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Founding Director of the Collaborative Problem Solving Institute, located in the Dept. of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital.

My thoughts:

1. Having already read Dr. Greene's book, I had an idea of what to expect throughout the day, but after hearing him speak... everything makes so much more sense!

2. The main message of the day - "Kids do well if they can."

3. We need to stop listening to the opinion of others around us who say "if he was mine, I'd do __________." We know our children better than anyone on the outside looking in. We have to do what's best for our children.

4. A key quote from the book: "An explosive outburst - like other forms of maladaptive behavior - occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively."

5. The key things for me to remember: When people say that children display certain behaviors to "get attention, manipulate, get what they want" - isn't it human nature to want attention and to get what we want? There is an underlying issue with these types of children... if you say, "he's just trying to manipulate me, he's obviously not doing a great job so therefore, you are not being manipulated! That takes much more skill than a 3.5 yr old child can handle. Also, if you were in the midst of manipulation - you wouldn't know that you realize it was even happening.

6. If a child is not speaking, for example, he's not "not speaking" because he's manipulating or seeking attention - there is an underlying issue here... there are "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" that need to be addressed to figure out how to help this child!!

7. Explosions never just happen without a warning. You have to figure out what the child's lagging skills are and teach them how to handle them.

This is not a strategy - it is a way of life. It is not an easy fix - but it is a long-term fix if you stick to the plan.

How do we help our children learn the required skills?

1. We listen - gather info and be empathetic

2. Define the problem

3. Brain Storm with the child to figure out how we can do things differently that works for both parties.

These are of course, my own interpretations of the day. To learn about CPS you should read "The Explosive Child" and visit the website http://www.ccps.info/ for more detailed information.

This book is a must read for any parent of a child with challenging behavior. And if you ever get the chance to see him speak, take the time to go! It is so well worth it!!

I must admit that the first 2 hrs of the seminar were really hard for my husband and I. Because we are knee deep in challenges right now it was hard to listen to Dr. Greene talk about children being able to "do well if they can." He states in his book that, "these children have wonderful qualities and tremendous potential. In most ways, their general cognitive skills have developed at a normal pace. Yet their inflexibility and poor tolerance for frustration often obscure their more positive traits and cause them and those around them enormous pain. There is no other group of children who are so misunderstood. Their parents are typically caring, well-intentioned people, who often feel guilty that they haven't been able to help their children."

I had a really hard time holding back the flood gates just thinking about how we used to try to deal with maladaptive behavior and treat all of our children the same expecting that the outcome would be the same. Once we came to the conclusion that "traditional" methods of discipline just won't work for our second child and changed our way of handling him... his "explosions" decreased dramatically. Now, mind you, we still have the issue of him not speaking to anyone, but that is all a part of the Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems that we need to work through with him. This is all a part of our journey.

I will write about my journey as we try out these concepts on all of our children. It's not going to happen magically overnight... practice makes perfect.