Sibling Rivalry

Question of the Day: When do kids start to really like each other?

We wake up in the morning... everything's great. It takes about 20 minutes for everyone to feel like looking at each other but after that, things are pretty good. Until... someone bumps into someone else, or picks up a toy the other person had last week (how did you know I was going to play with that again, just as you picked it up?)"Stop looking at me!! All you ever do is LOOK at me!! Why does he always look at me? Does he have to do EVERYTHING the same as me? He's being nasty, put him in a TIME-OUT!" And so the drama begins.

The saying "Two's company, three's a crowd" is so true. My oldest son and youngest son get along the very best. My middle and youngest, fight like crazy 50% of the time. My middle idolizes his big brother, who he often refers to as, "My best friend A," but his "best-friend" doesn't exactly like the attention... since he already has a best-friend, he doesn't feel that he needs two... plus, "brother's can't be best-friends!" He finds the attention "annoying." There has to be a point in time when this shifts and they actually start liking to spend time with each other... right? Perhaps around age 8? Oh God, please let it be age 8!! But seriously, I thought that having boys, although busier, was suppose to be less dramatic. I'm kinda thinking this isn't true.

One thing though... when it matters most... you can see the love. They are very empathetic with each other. If one of them is hurt, the other is right there, making sure that he's okay. My oldest takes care of the little ones when we're in a parking lot, or grocery store, keeping them in line and making sure they don't get out of sight. If Baby O falls down, S is running to me to get me to help. But don't you dare think about playing with that truck I was thinking about playing with yesterday... that could cause World War III.

PS - update from the plague... the house has been decontaminated and everyone is feeling great! :)

Should I stay, or should I go?

A funny thing happened today. Well, not so funny to my DH, or my kids, but I couldn't resist sitting back in my office chair, grinning (let's hope my DH forgives me for this - sorry hun!). Anyhow, I went to the office this morning... first time since last Thursday when the plague struck my house. I'm working away, enjoying being fresh and clean and drinking my Dbl Dbl 1/2 decaf from Tim's, when the phone rings. I look, "oh, it's home... should I answer? yeah, okay." My DH is on the other end of the phone and says, "my worst nightmare just happened!" Oh? What's that? "I've got two kids puking at the same time, in different rooms!"

Well, first of all... that was kind of a silly thing to do. We are on day seven of the plague, he should know by now that you can't leave anyone in a room by themselves for more than two minutes at a time!!

I pondered... "should I stay, or should I go?" I really thought it would be nice, if I were the one at home, to have someone there to help me. But then I realized... you know what? I lived that dream by myself yesterday (although kept them both in the same room together), I think I'll just stay put until I know it's safe to go back home. For a moment I felt like a bad wife/mother... but I got over that pretty quickly.

I had only planned on working until noon anyway so I finished up what I needed to do, packed up and went home. By the time I arrived, DH had everyone in bed, napping! Phew!! He left and went to work and I vegged on the couch until they woke up... which was a really long time... but much needed.

As a working mom, I always feel guilty that I'm not the one here with my children every day and often find it hard to "let go" of the authority when my DH and I are at home together... it's a control issue of mine, I guess. After today, I realized that, you know what? It's okay to let go... sometimes.

:)

ahhhhh... the end of the day...

I made it! A full day of sickness and none of it got on me!! Phew! Baby O still wasn't feeling well at the end of the day but S was doing much better. I finally got some liquid Tylenol into the baby and he went to bed at 5pm... hopefully for the night! The poor little guy tried to sleep today, as you can see from the "photo of the day," he wasn't keen on his bed. He kept saying "I not sleeping, I just close my eyes!" Okay... 5 minutes later, he was passed out. So what does Mommy think would be a great idea? You got it... I picked him up to put him into the closest bed... BAD IDEA! "WHAAAA!!! PUT ME BACK!!!" And do you think he would go back to sleep after that? No way! He was ticked-off!

However... his older brother did not let this aggravation alter his intense game of Mario Kart. I swear, the house could be burning and the kids would say, "can I just play one more game?"

We have resorted to hiding the Nintendo DS for days at a time... claiming that we do not know where it is. It's terrible when you have to lie to your children but OMG! You would think we were asking them for an organ, when we ask them to turn off the game. Honestly, they'd probably donate one without question so long as they could hold their games while we prep them for surgery. O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D!!

Every Sunday, we have "electronic free day." This is not well received initially, but by the end of the day, the kids (and mom) are doing okay. They seriously go through withdrawal for the first two hours... and I have a headache from all of the whining. I seriously think there should be a NDS support group. Or, maybe we parents should not give in to their every request and forgo ever buying the video games to begin with! Tough Call! Some kids can live with or without them... mine are addicted.

So, "electronic free day" has to be spent doing things either outside, or is spent playing with toys that are not battery operated or plug into the wall. Our 7 y/o often tells us that we can't turn on the lights or use the hair dryer either because that is using electricity... I have to draw the line at the hair dryer!

When I was a child I used to hate it when my mother would say, "when you grow up and have kids of your own, you'll thank me!" That made me soooo angry! Now, I understand what she was saying. Hmmm... funny how that happens.

Fabulous Find!

Having three sons has it's moments. Today, I've had many of those moments... actually, I've had a few since last Friday at 2 a.m. My oldest son, A, woke in the middle of the night, vomiting and the works! Lovely. The virus has now made it's way through all of the kids. Baby O got struck at 1:30 a.m. Monday, and S lastnight at 11:30pm.

I have spend 50% of the day going back and forth between my two youngest sons, holding our large blue popcorn bowl under them to catch the flow. 45% of my day has been spent cleaning up when we "missed" (including needing an extra shower because Owen got me... and was at eye level when it happened! Blugh!) So what have I done with the other 5% of my time? I Googled "puke bucket" and this is what I found! It has become the highlight of my day!

http://www.smileyme.com/barf_buddy_bucket_puke_bucket_vomit_car_sick_child.asp

It's amazing what people come up with... I honestly think this is really funny and a must-have for all families.

FYI - our large blue popcorn bowel will not be used for popcorn, ever again!

Off to meet the SLP... and the magic of Ronald MacDonald.

An eventful day was had today. S met the SLP (Speech Language Pathologist) for the first time. When we arrived for our appointment, we were in an unfamiliar parking lot... I didn't think he was going to get out of the van at first but we then saw another child getting out of a nearby vehicle so this enticed him a bit. We proceeded to the building with a little hesitation. Once inside, S was obviously nervous... he really didn't know what to think of this new place. He spotted a large stuffed tiger and wanted to play with it but it was in another room so I said, maybe once the lady comes to talk to us, we can ask her if we can go see it. He didn't like this answer and wanted to leave. Thankfully, a few moments later, we were escorted to the room where we were to have our appointment. I mentioned to the SLP that S thought the Tiger looked like fun and she brought it to the room with us! This wasn't what he wanted initially but warmed up to the idea after a few minutes.

Props go out to the SLPs and all that they do to make kids feel warm and welcome. In a matter of minutes, S was laughing and playing... you would think he'd known this woman his whole life! He wouldn't say anything to her at first but soon was playing along, not realizing that the games were meant to encourage his vocabulary. He didn't say any words but did repeat the alphabet sounds when prompted. They played a game where he got these little wind-up bumblebees for repeating what the SLP was saying... he was enjoying this and ended up with about 10 little bumblebees very quickly... they then moved on to green caterpillars. He lined them up on the Tigers back trying to see how many he could get on before they fell. It was pretty funny... he was enjoying it. The SLP tried to get S to say "open" and "more" several times throughout the appointment... he said "o" and "p" but that was it. He would not say "more" but did say the "m" sound.

I promised S that after the appointment we would go to the MacDonald Play Place to play on the big slide and have lunch. He had a lot of fun when he was able to play inside by himself but when other children came in and wanted to play, he didn't like this... he quickly decided that he wanted to leave. I tried to encourage him to stay in and play but he would not. Had his older brother been there, or another friend that he knew, I think he would have been fine but he just didn't want to play with the kids that he didn't know. When we were getting ready to leave, we went to the washroom to get cleaned up for the ride home. I asked him if he needed to use the washroom because we had a long drive back home and at first he said no. I asked again, knowing that he was tired and would possibly fall asleep and was hoping to avoid a "potty" accident. He looked down at the floor and said, "poop!" OMG - I have never been so happy to hear the word "poop" in my entire life! After all that we went through with the SLP and him not saying anything to her, we go to visit Ronald MacDonald and he comes out with POOP! At this point, beggars can't be choosers! I'm happy with that word! It seemed almost too easy though. After weeks of not being verbal, once in a while, he'll say a new word. We've been trying to play the "one new word a day game" but most of the time, it doesn't happen. Poop???

In our initial consultation appointment last week with the SLP she had mentioned a couple of terms to us: (1) Elective Mutism, and (2) Verbal Apraxia. I have googled both, and Verbal Apraxia does not seem to fit the mould... but I'm no professional. We'll just have to wait until the assessments/tests are completed to see if either fit this situation. What a whirl-wind.

Stepping Stones...

I feel so much better today than I have in a really long time. Yesteray, my DH and I met with a lady from an organization that helps with behavioral therapies, etc. They are putting together a team of professionals to help with my son's lagging skills. His speach has improved a bit. He is saying all of his letter sounds and will say "mama" and "dada." The journey is slow but seeing progress is wonderful. His temper tantrums are minimal... lasting only 5-10 mins... and I wouldn't even call them tantrums anymore. He likes to huff and puff and stomp off to his room. He's pretty dramatic... it's hard not to smile when he's doing this. He will be assessed by each member of the team and then we will start intensive therapies. The therapy will last 5 days/week from 9am-noon until he is ready to begin Kindergarten. I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of this... but it apparently works very well. I talked to local professionals who have been involved in this program and they speak very highly of it. It sounds a bit exhausting to me but I guess it wouldn't really be any different than him going to the babysitter every day.

We have two meetings, one Friday and one on Monday which will help us understand the process more. I was so relieved to have met the Director of the program yesterday. She seems like a wonderful, caring person. It always makes it easier when you feel that the people you are talking to, understand where you are coming from. After the next two meetings, we are going to look at getting a cat-scan or MRI completed so that we can rule out more medical issues. We need to see if the non-verbal communication is a result of "elective mutism" or "apraxia." New words to google!!

I will update again once we get more information on the program... until then, I will continue to play the fridge phonics game. We've also started a "one new word a day" game... it seems to be going pretty well... two days in and we have "mama" and "dada"... we'll keep our fingers crossed for today.

Will a pet really help?

Okay - everyone keeps telling me to get S a pet. Really... do you think so? I know that pets can be therapeutic... but... I have three kids to clean up after, I don't know if I can handle a pet as well! Maybe a cat, they're pretty self-sufficient. We'll have to see. The kids went to visit their grandparents house a few months ago... they had 10 fish. The kids named them after all of the characters from Super Mario Brothers... between you and me - they all died! I don't know what we'll tell them when we go to visit next time. They'll be very upset to hear that Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Yoshi, Toad, Princess Peach, Wario, Waluigi, Daisy and Boo are gone! That's my biggest fear. What if I get Spencer a pet and it dies? OMG! I'm not sure he could handle that!

So, thanks to a very good friend of mine, I'm feeling better today! I can't imagine going through life without my friends to help "bring me back to reality." You know who you are... checkin' my blog every day! I feel like Heather Armstrong. BTW - go to www.dooce.com, Heather is so funny... not sure when I'll hit the $40K per month mark but if you start inviting all of your friends to visit my blog, it may be sooner than I think!! Ha! Just invite the ones who don't know me... I live in a small town. My neighbors don't all need to know my business - just every other person on the Internet.

So, my DH and I spent the morning swatting black-flies in an attempt to assemble a trampoline for our three boys. We need a way to tire them out so they'll sleep better at night. I'm hoping this does the trick. It wasn't too big of a job... I can see it being a little annoying having to tear it down in the winter and put it back up again in the spring. I think we need to move somewhere that we could just leave it up all year long. Somewhere sunny and hot! Near a beach. That'd be great.

Well, I just had clients cancel on me so I think I'll take the rest of the day off... kinda seems like I might not be working anyway... considering what I'm doing at this very moment! Just don't tell the Boss! She's not been in the best of moods lately! :)

Results, more tests, and headaches

Monday, May 11 @ 2pm, my son was seen by the paediatric neurologist, I am some-what relieved that she was able to give us some insight on the past 3.5 years and brings much of it into perspective, as well as gives us hope for the future.

The results of the first EEG came back fine but we have to go back for another in hopes that he will sleep this time. The Dr. wants to see if he is possibly having seizures while he is sleeping. Apparently something not uncommon. We also have some other tests to be completed and therapy's to begin which will help our situation dramatically.

A diagnosis is not going to solve anything... we just need someone to help show us how to help this little boy so that he is given the chance to succeed in life and develop to his full potential. I am hopeful that he will get through this and he will live a happy life.

ABC's and 123's

Day 2 of step one went well. Lastnight after supper, S wanted to play his DS (remember that it was taken away yesterday morning for inappropriate behavior). When he wanted to play it lastnight we said, "if you say DS, we will give it to you." And so it began again... but this time, there was only whining! Hmmm... progress? I think so! We were consistent with our offer and didn't give in.

On our refrigerator, we have a Leap Frog "word whammer" and all of the letters of the Alphabet. S loves this and can spell his name without any help. All along this journey of "no talking" he has consistently said "E" and "A" while brushing his teeth at night. We thought that we might try getting him to sound out other letters of the alphabet. He hasn't given in to this until lastnight. When were trying to get him to say "DS" in order to get his game back, I then went over to the refrigerator, put the letters D and S together and said, "S, can you tell me what these letters sound like?" He shook his head. I tried again... "S, what does and 's' sound like?" Gosh darn it, he said "sssss"! Wooo Hooo! Okay, one down... one to go. What does a D sound like? Eh, uh! No way... again... "what does a D sound like?" What did he do? He did it!! Oh my god, I think I'm going to pass out! Way to go S! He got his DS back and was thrilled!

Now mind you, although this is a great accomplishment... I don't want him getting used to just sounding out letters to get what he wants. But it's a start. Next time, he'll have to say DS in the proper manner.

This morning, he wanted two "yogurt drinks." He had already had one, so in order to get the other, he had to say "please." He wouldn't and therefore didn't get it. But... he didn't complain, he just walked away.

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing... the psychology of all of this is really intriguing me (among many other not so intriguing emotions). It's also amazing though, just how much will-power one little person can have. I can't wait to see what we can accomplish today!! I'm so looking forward to a break-through! Slow but steady...

Psychologist vs. Psychologist

(A photo of my son when he gets what he wants... he would grab the camera and break it if I tried taking a picture of him when he was not at his best)

So, of course this is bound to happen... the more people you talk to, the more conflicting information you receive. How does this help? It doesn't. It just confuses you even more.

I got a call back from the Clinical Psychologist that I emailed and left a message for last week. We spoke over the phone at length about my situation with my son and his "non verbal" behavior. I had sent him an email to get him up-to-speed before I actually spoke with him. Sometimes it's easier to write than to keep explaining things over the phone. Anyhow, he believes that we need intervention asap! Yeah! Although it would normally be SEPTEMBER when I could get an appointment to see him in person, he is going to work on some things for me and we will correspond through email and over the phone until he can find a spot to fit us in. Sooner than September. Hearing this, kind of makes me relieved to know that I'm not the only one who is facing difficulties... there are other people out there who know what I'm going through and can support me through this journey.

In our lengthy 2 hour telephone conversation, the Dr., who admittedly cannot diagnose without seeing the child, gave a couple of possible scenarios. Which is basically what we have been discussing in the past. I said to the Dr., "I don't necessarily feel that we need a diagnosis, I need to know how to deal with this behavior and how to help Spencer with coping skills." He agreed that a diagnosis only puts a label on the matter and we still will have a lot of work to do. He is devising a plan! Thank Goodness!! Step one though is this:

• We have to make it more beneficial for S to use his "words" because right now, he doesn't have to! We are at his beck and call 24/7... unless it's something we truly can't figure out... we play the guessing game, all day long.


• We reward positive behavior (with a high-five or a tickle).


• If he asks for something (ie. treats) we give it to him... if he asks for more - we have to ask him to say one word (ie. candy or please) in order to get it. If he doesn't say the word, he doesn't get it. This way, he gets something, but he also realizes that he could get more if he uses his "words"

To the average person... this sounds pretty simple. But, try living in a house with a chronically inflexible, explosive child and see how easy it is. Temper tantrums will come at the expense of not getting that second piece of candy and it's not always easy to keep your composure.

Now, a lot of what the clinical psychologist told me was not necessarily going against what Dr. Ross Greene says in his book, but challenges some of it. I'm going to stick with whoever gives me the most help, which at this moment, is the clinical psychologist.

We tried the "one word" scenario last night. At snack time, the boys had snacks and juice. Afterwards, Spencer wanted chocolate milk in his sippy cup while we read the bedtime story. I told him that if he said "milk," I would get it for him. No way! He pointed and grunted for the chocolate milk again... I repeated myself... "KABOOM!" Needless to say, the tantrum only lasted 10 minutes! Not the usual 20-45 mins. I told him that I would still read him a story but he just had to say "milk" in order to get the milk. Still not a sound. So... we read the book and went to bed.

This morning, S wanted to take his DS to the babysitter. My husband said, "If you say DS, I will get it for you." (whine, cry, whimper) The pointing continued, more urgently this time. My husband repeated himself again... "KABOOM!" After about 10 mins, my husband calmly picked up my son, his shoes/coat/hat, and walked him to the truck to go to the sitter. He says that about a mile down the road, he stopped crying and was fine going into the sitter's house.

The key to all of this, I know, is for us to be consistent. And it's easy to be, so long as we don't have our other two boys, wining, crying, whimpering at the same time as well... this causes my hair to stand on it's end!!

For now, we'll stick with step one. I will say that I have never encountered such a strong-willed little person in my entire life! I wonder where he gets it?

The Explosive Child

At 8:30 a.m. this morning with note-taking material and tissues in hand, my husband and I were fortunate to be two of 220 people attending an all-day seminar, listening to Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., discuss the use of Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) to help deal with easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children (these are some of the other issues that we face in our house on a daily basis). Being the Author of "The Explosive Child," he was able to take us through the step-by-step process of dealing with children who have developmental delays in these areas and are not capable of being disciplined using "traditional methods". Such methods were likely the way you or I were disciplined as children.

To give a little bio on Dr. Greene, he is an Associate Professor of Psychology in the Dept. of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Founding Director of the Collaborative Problem Solving Institute, located in the Dept. of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital.

My thoughts:

1. Having already read Dr. Greene's book, I had an idea of what to expect throughout the day, but after hearing him speak... everything makes so much more sense!

2. The main message of the day - "Kids do well if they can."

3. We need to stop listening to the opinion of others around us who say "if he was mine, I'd do __________." We know our children better than anyone on the outside looking in. We have to do what's best for our children.

4. A key quote from the book: "An explosive outburst - like other forms of maladaptive behavior - occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively."

5. The key things for me to remember: When people say that children display certain behaviors to "get attention, manipulate, get what they want" - isn't it human nature to want attention and to get what we want? There is an underlying issue with these types of children... if you say, "he's just trying to manipulate me, he's obviously not doing a great job so therefore, you are not being manipulated! That takes much more skill than a 3.5 yr old child can handle. Also, if you were in the midst of manipulation - you wouldn't know that you realize it was even happening.

6. If a child is not speaking, for example, he's not "not speaking" because he's manipulating or seeking attention - there is an underlying issue here... there are "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" that need to be addressed to figure out how to help this child!!

7. Explosions never just happen without a warning. You have to figure out what the child's lagging skills are and teach them how to handle them.

This is not a strategy - it is a way of life. It is not an easy fix - but it is a long-term fix if you stick to the plan.

How do we help our children learn the required skills?

1. We listen - gather info and be empathetic

2. Define the problem

3. Brain Storm with the child to figure out how we can do things differently that works for both parties.

These are of course, my own interpretations of the day. To learn about CPS you should read "The Explosive Child" and visit the website http://www.ccps.info/ for more detailed information.

This book is a must read for any parent of a child with challenging behavior. And if you ever get the chance to see him speak, take the time to go! It is so well worth it!!

I must admit that the first 2 hrs of the seminar were really hard for my husband and I. Because we are knee deep in challenges right now it was hard to listen to Dr. Greene talk about children being able to "do well if they can." He states in his book that, "these children have wonderful qualities and tremendous potential. In most ways, their general cognitive skills have developed at a normal pace. Yet their inflexibility and poor tolerance for frustration often obscure their more positive traits and cause them and those around them enormous pain. There is no other group of children who are so misunderstood. Their parents are typically caring, well-intentioned people, who often feel guilty that they haven't been able to help their children."

I had a really hard time holding back the flood gates just thinking about how we used to try to deal with maladaptive behavior and treat all of our children the same expecting that the outcome would be the same. Once we came to the conclusion that "traditional" methods of discipline just won't work for our second child and changed our way of handling him... his "explosions" decreased dramatically. Now, mind you, we still have the issue of him not speaking to anyone, but that is all a part of the Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems that we need to work through with him. This is all a part of our journey.

I will write about my journey as we try out these concepts on all of our children. It's not going to happen magically overnight... practice makes perfect.